Gratitude? Or, My Impending Diaversary

January just about did me in this year.  What with my travel to the US, getting my visa, traveling back to Italy, and working non-stop since I got back on a manuscript that I finally (FINALLY!!) finished yesterday, I'm grateful to say hello to a new month.  Hello February!

Somehow, Nick and I have both lost our love of blogging.  Maybe it's just a winter slump.  We've had a lot going on, new projects to take care of, and a need to just hold still when the opportunity arises.  Nearly every day I pester Nick to put up a post at Just VASGO, and he's just not feeling it.  This makes me very, very sad because I love his posts so much!  And, I think of them as the record of our time here.  We are doing things.  They just aren't being written about on the internet....

For example, remember how we went to Paris in December?

We saw as much as we could and ate everything that we could!

It was an amazing trip.  Quick, full of lots of walking and hurting feet, but such a wonderful way to celebrate his birthday and Christmas.

Now that it's February, I'm also thinking about an upcoming event.  An event that's maybe not a big deal to other people, but one that matters to me.  This Saturday, February 4, is my 2nd Diaversary.  I'm not really sure if the "dia" in diaversary refers to diagnosis, diabetes, or a conflation of the two.  Anyhow, I was diagnosed with Type I diabetes on February 4, 2010.

So I'm plotting out how I want to celebrate. It's not a celebration of having diabetes.  Trust me.  That is not something worth celebrating.  I know that my attitude has changed pretty significantly in the last couple of months.  I used to be somewhat grateful for what I've learned because of diabetes and what it has meant for improving my health.

Now, I don't feel that same gratitude.  I've found myself being much more honest with those who ask me how things are with my health.  Instead of my old answer of, "Fine, as fine as it can be!  It could be so much worse, and I'm grateful for that!"....or something along those lines, I give over to honesty, something which I reserved for those closest to me or to those who "get it," or those who really want to know.  I tell them that it's annoying, that it's a moment by moment thing, that every day is different, that I could have the same behaviors every day and get a different result, that I'm sick of it.

I wouldn't exactly call this burnout.  I am still pretty vigilant when it comes to testing and bolusing.  I am much more apathetic to high numbers.  Instead of getting frustrated when that 190, or 220, or 270, or 300 pops up, I just treat it.  I don't think about what complications that it might be causing.  I just try to move on, maybe blaming my foggy brain on it.  It is what it is.  Maybe it's just because I'm used to it?  Maybe because I know I can't attach my self-worth to my blood sugar?  Maybe it's because I haven't had my A1c checked since June and know it probably won't be tested again until mid-2013?  I just don't know.

So, no, this February 4, I won't be celebrating the fact that I have this disease.  I will be celebrating that I have managed to live with it.  That despite the daily struggles, I'm still here.  I'm still doing this.  It is an endless uphill road that I'm climbing, that anyone with a chronic condition treads upon.  I'm not letting it stop me from living my life.  I just require a bigger purse to carry all of my supplies, a little more preparation for just about any activity, a willingness to stab myself in order to stay healthy.

The other day, Nick watched me change my pump site.  He was asking me about every action I took, every step of the process.  And then he told me how great he thought I was, how proud he was of me for being so diligent in taking care of myself.  I thanked him, but reminded him that I didn't really have any other option.  He disagreed with me, saying that plenty of people probably ignored the numbers or slacked in their self-care.

So on Saturday, I am going to take the day to recognize all the work I put into this, even when it just feels like slogging through the necessary actions.  Because Nick is right, I do take care of myself.  I'm grateful that despite issues of insurance and finances and living in the land of carbohydrates, we are making this work.  It isn't just about me.  I also want to celebrate and recognize Nick and his efforts in this.  He gets mad at diabetes with me.  He gives me a bolus-notice before dinner.  He wakes up in the middle of the night if I do, just in case I need something.  He didn't bargain on this.  It just came as part of that "in sickness" section of our marriage vows.

So we will go to a fancy dinner, to celebrate life in spite of diabetes.  To know that we've made it two years with this.  That we can keep going.  That our lives are so different because of it, but that it isn't beating us.  Even if I can't lie to people anymore when they ask me "How is your diabetes?"  It's a different sort of gratitude than what I've had before, but it still deserves to be recognized.