I'm not as bare-legged or bare-armed today as I was when this photo was taken in May, but still. This is what I'm wearing today. Oh, and look to the right? I'm wearing it in my profile picture too!
You see, I'm wearing this dress today because I can. Because I'm trying to remind myself that there are perks of not wearing an insulin pump. And after last night, when I gave myself my first injection in well over a year, I really need to focus on the positive.
Last night, Nick was at volleyball. I was home by myself after we had grabbed thick-crust pizza and two scoops of gelato, successfully draining my pump of every last drop of insulin it contained. It was a farewell dinner of sorts, knowing that such meals aren't really possible on MDI (multiple daily injections). No extended boluses here....and I typically make the choice to not eat like that when giving a correction dose of insulin means ANOTHER shot.
As I gave myself one last pre-bedtime correction from my pump, I prepared myself for what was about to happen. I reviewed my basal rates and my carb to insulin ratios so that my first day on MDI would be as smooth as possible.
And then I removed the infusion set from my leg. I headed to the fridge to let my Lantus pen warm up a bit before giving myself an injection. As soon as I opened the butter compartment, I started crying inexplicably.
Well, maybe not really inexplicably. I was in mourning for the lifestyle that I've been living since I got my insulin pump in September 2010. I was dreading (still am) the shots. I was feeling rather sorry for myself, and then got mad at myself because there are other things going on in my life that more warranted a cry fest like this. That I should be grateful that I have access to this insulin, that I CAN keep myself alive, even if it means MDI.
I gave myself my Lantus injection. It wasn't perfect because I bled for a bit after. I started brushing my teeth, held my hand over the injection site on my leg, and was blubbering to myself when Nick came home. He was concerned and confused. I explained to him why I was upset, and he did everything he could to make me feel better. He got mad with me, we hated on diabetes together, and then he did his best to distract me with funny stories.
And I decided that I would wear a dress today. Of course, this isn't impossible with an insulin pump, but it does involve some tricks. But today, I get to wear it without an ACE bandage strapped to my leg and without reaching down the front of my dress to program a bolus. And it was nice to sleep through the night, with no partial wake-ups when I turn over just wrong and crush my hip with my insulin pump.
And I know this isn't forever. I will be going back on my pump in just two weeks when we go to Paris for a few days. Even more exciting? I just got the news I needed to book my plane ticket back to the States for shortly after Christmas, where I'll be able to restock my supplies.
I'm keeping my chin up and my Novolog pen handy. I can do this. I am grateful for life-saving medicine. I can take a little pain and annoyance. This isn't a catastrophe. This is fine. I can do this.
you CAN do it. lots of love from your bff, who thinks about you often.
ReplyDeleteDude, I don't know what it is about Lantus shots - they seemed to always make me bleed, too! Maybe we're just really vein-y? :)
ReplyDeleteChin up - you can TOTALLY do this.