Diaversary 4

Four years ago today, I was diagnosed with diabetes.

A lot has happened in those four years.  There have been a lot of changes in my life, but there has been that one constant: diabetes.  Funny to think of it it in that way, that the most changeable disease is the one constant.

Usually I'm pretty wistful about this date, a bit resentful at how much my life has been altered and interrupted by this hour-by-hour disease.  I'm not really feeling that way this year, which really surprises me.  I've been annoyed with diabetes lately, tired of the restrictions and the scarring of my body, the waking up overnight, the price of insulin, and on and on and on.

Tonight, we have plans with friends to go out to dinner, completely unrelated to the "celebration" of this day.  Nick and I were talking about whether or not to mention it to them, and so it came up how confusing it would be to explain WHY marking this day matters to me.  That it's a celebration and yet not, sort of like how we remember awful days in the past on their anniversary.  You remember the good things and what was taken away that day.  And yet, I'm not consumed with sadness.

Every day, I wish I didn't have this disease.  Every day, I clog up my brain with diabetes math and wish I didn't have to.  Every day, I think about whether my bedside is stocked with what I'll need to save my life that night if something goes wrong.

The Castle at Bracciano, October 2013

My bad low last week reminded me that no matter what my A1c says, despite the praise I receive from my doctors, I'm not really in control of this thing.  Not to say that it controls me, but it's a delicate balance of power.  Sure, I am probably not going to lose this war tomorrow, or this week, or this month, but you just can't get too cocky about it.  You never know when one of those lows is going to swoop in to remind you that you can only do your best, and that just might not be good enough.  That despite a pretty A1c on paper, that doesn't mean that my baby will certainly be unaffected by my body's fluctuations.

Looking back at my three previous posts about marking this day, I think that the change in my attitude comes from the fact that this is just part of my life.  That there is no getting away from it.  That it will be on my mind 24 hours a day for the rest of my life.  That I will continue to do my best and hope that it's enough.

Maybe I feel this way because it's getting hard to remember what life was like before diabetes.  Did I really used to put food in my mouth without giving it any thought?  Could I really take for granted leaving the house without making sure I was prepared for any fluctuation in blood sugar?  Did I really used to only go to the doctor when I was sick?  Did I really used to cringe at any suggestion of needles?

And so it goes.  One day at a time, every day of my life.  It's taught me all sorts of things, but I do not welcome it.  I do not appreciate my body for betraying me, for becoming my enemy, and for this being what I'm stuck with.  But what else am I going to do?  I'm not one to give up or stop trying, no matter the mental and physical challenges of dealing with a chronic illness and one that deals with its carriers so brutally.

Life marches forward, and my impending deadlines and growing waistline only give evidence to that.  I'll keep going too.