Complacency

So that little break from the blog felt pretty good! Although I didn't spend as much time on my dissertation as I probably should have, it's still been a fairly productive past few days.

In those past few days, I've had something of a realization, but I'm not quite sure what it means.

I think I'm in a diabetes funk. But the weird thing is, it's a very passive funk.

I'm still so young in my diabetes life (diagnosed last February) that it seems pretty silly of me to be feeling the burnout. I've got my whole life ahead of me that I have to deal with this, that I have to manage this disease all 24 hours of the day.

Here's what I've noticed: high numbers don't bother me like they used to.

I used to see numbers above 140 and be bothered. I wouldn't necessarily be upset, but I would feel that I could have done better, that I didn't control my food intake as I should have, that I need to get that number down.

Now, I'm somehow unphased that I've been waking up every day for the past few weeks in the 130s. I see something in the 180s or 190s and I'm not really bothered. Sure, I'll give a correction, but I don't think much of it. Even numbers over 200 don't drive me too crazy. My brain knows that this is nonsense, but for some reason I'm sort of apathetic about it.

I think some of it has to do with being on the pump. My food lifestyle is SOOOOO completely different now than it was before I started pumping. I eat almost anything. I've had several of the cookies I made last Friday since then, and they've got 30 grams of carbs each!

I think part of it is due to my CGM. I am about 50% satisfied with my sensor. I like the little graphs, but at the same time it gives me so many wrong readings. It bothers my sleep several times a week with its wrong readings. But seeing some high numbers, and after almost every meal, has desensitized me. I feel like I don't have any control over that, that I'm going to spike no matter what.

And maybe this is a good thing? Have I finally come to accept that I cannot control this thing? That I have a chronic illness that will do its damage no matter how I try to stand in its way? I'm a lot less frustrated than I used to be.

But maybe it's a bad thing. I have been very proud and pleased with my A1C readings. 71 days after diagnosis, I got it down to a 6.3, and that was when I wasn't even receiving the right kind of treatment (one HUGE Lantus dose at bedtime). Then when I got it down to a 5.7, I felt triumphant. I am in control! This thing will not win over me! And part of that came from my conviction to keep those highs under control. To restrict my diet. To limit my carbs carefully. To not steal bites from whatever Nick is eating. I'm sure that my next A1C (in January) won't be as pretty.

And I really don't want that! Sure, going up a bit won't do too much harm. But it's important to me to keep it low so that when we're ready to have children, I don't have to finally wrangle it under control. That we can proceed with the planned timeline that we have. So that diabetes will not take that away from me.

Even writing about it now makes me want to be less passive. Makes me want to email my CDE about potentially changing my overnight basal rate or my evening insulin to carb ratio.

But at the same time, I like being less stressed about this. I'm almost glad that my control-freak nature is being subdued, that I'm accepting my lack of control here.

I just don't know. If you've stuck it out this far with all of these words, I commend you. Maybe I'll be less complacent today. Maybe I shouldn't be. Diabetes is really annoying, you know?