Friday night, we attended a concert of 17th- and 18th-century music of Lent and the Passion by the Buxtehude Consort. The artistic director of the group sings in our choir, and the group's organist is our director/organist at church. The music and performers were phenomenal.
Saturday, we managed to be extremely productive, even though we both slept in VERY late (too little sleep during the week?). We started the spring cleanup of our yard, trimming several bushes and trees and prepping some of the beds for spring planting of flowers. And our veggie seedlings will go in next weekend!
Sunday, we sang at church in the morning. Then, I went to lunch with my book club (our first meeting on Tess of the D'Urbervilles) before heading over to the house of another choir couple for a BBQ in celebration of her birthday. It was such a good time. The perfect Sunday to end a good weekend. But.
I ate like crazy. After eating lunch with my book club friends (also choir members), I kept snacking on the spread during the BBQ. And then there was pizza made on the grill (and it was amazing). There were four different kinds of pizza, so Nick and I split pieces of each. So, I had a total of 2 pieces. But then there were pavlovas. Completely homemade. With freshly prepared lemon curd. And berries. And homemade whipped cream. And I ate it. ALL of it.
I was without my CGM for this whole party. Sunday is the day I make the switch, and we just didn't have time before leaving the house. It was probably for the best, since I would have been terrified at what it showed me.
When we got home, I tested. 257. To be expected for that kind of eating. I treated and tested again about an hour and a half later. 302. Also unsurprising, given my behavior earlier that day. I treated and tested for ketones (just a trace...). I chugged some water and started getting mad at myself.
I used to be so very diligent with my eating. When I was on MDI, I was in complete control of my diet, never overdoing it, only having small bites of things I knew would make things miserable for me. I LOVE having my pump, but for some reason it has given me more license than it should. I know what does and doesn't work for me (to some degree). I know that I shouldn't eat like that, with my faulty pancreas and that my pump does not make me normal and able to process food like a non-diabetic.
And so I beat myself up about it. What has happened to me lately? I've had a serious sweet tooth the last couple of weeks. I ate barbecue for dinner on Saturday night, achieving the max bolus set up on my pump. Then I went to the party and ate pita chips with hummus, tortilla chips (I have SO much trouble with corn) and guacamole, a variety of cheeses. Pizza. Pavlova. What is wrong with me?
Nick thinks I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that my A1c proves that I'm not overdoing things. That we only live once and the pump allows me to be a bit more normal. That I should enjoy eating without so much guilt.
But then I remind him of the consequences, the dreaded complications. And he reminds me that we have no idea what the future holds.
What's a D-Queen to do? On paper, I'm in a very good place in my diabetic life. In action, I know that I could be doing better. That I should be more rigorous in the control of my diet. That I used to be so good at it. That a pump and CGM do not make me invincible.
But at the same time, I do not want to be beholden to this disease. I want to enjoy the things that I love. But then again, I can't pretend my body functions normally because it does not.
I think I'm at a crossroads here, where I know I need to start consciously striving to make the right food choices so that I can live my healthiest life. And yet, I do not want to have disordered eating. There are consequences to that as well. I must find the balance that works for me, as difficult as it is, because it will be worth it.
man, what a tricky place to be in - i feel like there has to be a compromise somewhere, like you get one meal a week or one day a week to eat more carbs than normal? one day a month? i don't know what the answer is but nick is right, you cannot beat yourself up, and you certainly should not deny yourself a treat every now and then. one day of delicious food and higher numbers - will it really be harmful in the grand scheme of things?? i hope you can find the answer and some peace with this soon, i hate to see you wrestle with it :(
ReplyDeleteit's so difficult to resist delicious homemade food like that! i went through many years of abusing my insulin pump, and feel much better in control of my eating again. it's fine to indulge once in a while, for sure, but sometimes it's easy to spiral out of control... though i think you sound in control of it, so don't panic!
ReplyDeletetess of the d'urbervilles - there was a great adaptation on BBC in 2008, which you should totally see if you haven't!