Six months

Six months ago today, my life changed dramatically.

Six months ago, I was exhausted. I had lost nearly 20% of my body weight for no reason. I too often woke up in the middle of the night vomiting.

Six months ago, I was scared. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't know if it was my imagination, that I was too stressed, working too hard. Or maybe I only had a few months to live. I was very scared.

I decided to go to the doctor. I explained all of my known symptoms. She decided to give me every test possible - full blood work, urine sample, CT scan of my abdomen, appointment with a GI doctor. This was on February 2.

On February 3, I was just leaving my Wednesday evening class when I checked my voicemail. It was my doctor. She wanted me to make an appointment to see her right away. This did nothing to ease my fears. What on earth did she find in the blood and urine test? Why isn't the receptionist calling? Why isn't the nurse calling? What's happening to me?

On February 4, I called as soon as my doctor's office opened and made an appointment for that afternoon. I had to teach at 8:00 am. At 7:47 am, my doctor calls. I answered and told her I couldn't talk long, that I had an appointment for that afternoon. She told me that my blood glucose levels were abnormally high and that she thought I had diabetes.

I taught my 8:00 am class. At 8:50, I ran back to my office and googled diabetes. I went to the ADA's webpage and looked at the symptoms. Frequent urination? I didn't think so. I drink A LOT of water. Unusual thirst. Actually, yes. There were a few times I noticed this sensation, finding it odd since I already drank so much water. Extreme hunger? Pretty much always. Strange how much I was eating and how much weight I was losing. Unusual weight loss? Two months after taking my preliminary exams, I couldn't really blame it on stress anymore. Extreme fatigue? I'm a grad student, isn't this how tired we all are? Frequent infections? I get sick more than anyone I know! Tingling/numbness in the hands/feet? I did notice my fingers were numb one time. Recurring skin, gum, or bladder infections? I had just had some significant dental work done in the last several months for deep gum cleaning. My skin is very dry.

I went and taught my 9:00 am class, feeling some better that I wasn't necessarily dying in the next month, but still unsure about this. Two of my grandparents have Type 2 diabetes, so surely I got the luck of the genetic draw?

I left campus as soon as I was done teaching and did more research before heading to the doctor. My blood test showed 323 as my blood glucose level. I found out later that my A1C was 12.5. My doctor went through everything with me, all of the medications I'd need to take, all of the vaccines I required every year, and what this meant for the rest of my life. It still didn't quite sink in until I had to ask her if this was my official diagnosis.

I spent the next hour in the lab, having more blood drawn, getting an insulin injection, and learning how to use my new glucose meter. It got more intimidating. Was I Type 1 or Type 2? Treatment by pills or shots? Aren't I too old for Type 1? I had very little family history of Type 1, only my grandmother's sister, who died in her early thirties.

Six months ago, my life changed indefinitely. I never saw it as a choice, something to decide whether or not I would take care of myself. I have too many goals, too many things I want out of life, to not take care of myself.

Six months have passed, and I'm a new person. I'm healthier than I've ever been, despite my disease. I am more conscious of my body and the signals it gives me. I know that every day is a struggle. Every day is something different with this as a part of my life. I cannot assume I know this thing, not even for a moment. I have to be vigilant. I won't let this stop me.

Six months ago today, my life changed dramatically. I'm not sure that I can say that it's for the better. It's for the different. I think things mean more to me, that I do not take my health and well-being for granted, that I have to try harder and think more and control my behaviors more than others. I know that I will have to work harder and plan more to reach my goals, to start a family, to live the rest of my life as I hope to. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. In the end, though, I think it makes me more conscious, more cognizant of life and living. I know I still have so much to learn and so many struggles to work through, but it almost feels like a second chance. Yes, I have diabetes, but that is not a death sentence. It's a lifestyle and is much less scary than my worst nightmares six months ago.

It's amazing what a difference six months can make, how it can change you, and how life can throw you a curve. I am grateful for so many things, for so many people in my life who support me and remain vigilant with me. For those that I have the opportunity to educate a bit and change their mind about what being a person with diabetes means. For Nick, who is in this 100% with me every day. For my family, who is so caring, curious, and helpful. For my friends, who don't mind when I pull a needle out during lunch. For me, because I've realized how strong I am and just what I'm capable of. Has diabetes made me a better person? Probably not, but it's taught me to appreciate, myself and those around me.