For example, last night I had a dream about "outing" myself as someone with Type I Diabetes. I was at some sort of meeting that was lasting all day. At the beginning of one of our breaks, the leader of the meeting pulled out an insulin pen at the table to give himself an injection. He announced that it wasn't a big deal, that he had Type II diabetes and was insulin dependent. Someone else at the table said they too had Type II. Finally, I piped up that I had Type I. What's really ironic is that this guy in charge of the meeting had been annoying me like crazy in the dream, but when I saw what he was dealing with, I immediately became empathetic and changed my mind about him.
I've never been embarrassed or shy about having diabetes, but it's definitely not something I talk about with acquaintances or whenever I don't need to. I'm in a field where it's very important to be professional all the time, and although having diabetes is not a weakness, it's not something that I'm going to put on display at a conference or job interview. I suppose this is something that's been on my mind quite a bit lately because of my preparations for getting my pump.
I've become accustomed to doing finger sticks in public and even giving myself injections with little privacy. I pull up my shirt and pinch my belly fat because I have to. Nick told me once about people staring when I give my injections, but I rarely care. I do what I have to do to stay healthy. If that makes other people uncomfortable, so be it.
I go back and forth about the "seriousness" of my illness, something which Jacquie so elegantly wrote about here. The fact that it's invisible makes it even more complicated. For example, last night I went to a meeting of our grad student association. More people showed up than expected and there wasn't enough food for everyone to eat their fill. I went back and forth about what to do, what to do. Either: 1. give myself an injection and hope hope hope there is enough for me to get my carb fill or 2. don't give myself an injection and eat nothing until I got home. I decided to do my injection. I ate some, and then when more food showed up, I was one of a few people who got to eat more. My friends who knew the situation insisted I have more. There were lots of people there, though, who don't know me and don't know about my invisible illness. Maybe they thought I was just being selfish, that I wasn't thinking about how hungry they might be.
And then again, maybe one of them has an invisible illness too. Maybe nobody at that table knew, since there were so many new graduate students there. To me, that's what Invisible Illness Awareness Week is all about, creating empathy and understanding for those around us who may be suffering more than we know.
In the not too distant past I didn't know as much about diabetes as I do now, and I still don't know very much in the scheme of things. I didn't understand that it happens to people and it's not their fault. I didn't know how careful you have to be about what and when you eat, testing, and dosing. I just didn't think about it. Now I know that I hate it. I also know that you do what you have to do to take care of yourself and that it requires a lot of self-control and discipline. While I don't think anyone should wear it as a badge I also don't think you should be ashamed, not that you fit either category. It's a fact of your life and those around you just have to deal with it. You may have to answer the same questions over and over again, but I think making others aware of what diabetes is is a good thing. Maybe they'll give more to research, be more understanding when they encounter others with the same or different afflictions. You are an amazing person and get more done than most and you still are able to cope with this. As for those that don't know thinking you're being selfish, well, they may have an uninformed bad opinion about you but that's better than you passing out!
ReplyDeleteI don't know why I typed so much. Not my style, but I felt led to.
Love you!
(This is the first time I've seen your blog! I like it). I think you have the right attitude in terms of doing what you need to be healthy without being overly concerned with what other people may think. Diabetes also has a fairly high profile now; I'm sure most people know at least one person who is affected.
ReplyDeleteAs for last night, well, I ate more food too, and not because I have a condition, because I was hungry and it was there! :-)
I too suffer from chronic illness, including Diabetes. I can relate to the stares from people in public as I give myself insulin shots. One aquaintance asked why I didn't go to the restroom to do it. I told her I would prefer the stares as opposed to an unsanitary environment. I'm also on oxygen and people automatically assume it's because I was a smoker. Perfect strangers will ask how long I smoked and then I have to explain I am an adult Cystic Fibrosis survivor. I feel your pain.....L
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